Dear Mr. President,

Thank you.

I sincerely mean that from the depths of my heart.

You’ve pushed the government to such levels of secrecy, intrusion, and abuse that people have finally stopping sitting around complaining ineffectually about their government. They’ve actually decided to vote to have it changed!

You’ve also helped to drive a thriving economy, complete with government surplus, straight into a recession, with more government (read: taxpayer) debt than most people can conceive. (Kudos on the timing, by the way. The official Recession hits just as you get to run for hills—or rather plains—of Texas. Brilliant planning. Absolutely brilliant.) In fact, we’ve seen such overwhelming greed and self-interest that the financial landscape is being rewritten! De-regulate to the point of collapse? Show the world how not to do things? Not may people would have had the courage to lead us to the brink, only to close your eyes and wait for someone else to pull us back.

Then there’s the stellar international work. You mired us in a war, not just in Iraq, but also in arrogance against the rest of the world. We’d become so hated that the celebrations across the globe for our new President-Elect were almost as effusive as our own! There’s really nowhere to go but up. It’s like an automatic do-over! Granted, the mess in Iraq will most likely be haunting us for decades, but that’s a small price to pay for the overwhelming outpouring of worldwide goodwill. Isn’t it?

I, for one, toyed with the idea of leading a “Third Term” movement. If people are this passionately fed up now, imagine how many more would turn on every last thing you stand for in another four years! Granted, it’s a calculated risk. There’s no guarantee that this country, or even this planet, could survive another term. But I have faith that the collective will of the people is stronger than your incompetence.

Barely.

I mean, it’d be close, but I think we’d do it.

In the end, I’d have to say the shining moment of your presidency has to be the election of our first African-American President. Really, you deserve just as much credit as President-Elect Obama. You have inspired so many people to get out, speak out and vote your cronies out that it is truly awe inspiring.

Now then: what about your plans after presidency? Quite honestly, I see a lucrative future in horror movies. You have, after all, spent the better part of eight years finding new and creative ways to scare your fellow countrymen witless. You’ve probably terrified more people than Wes Craven, John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper combined. Bravo! I even have a great movie title for you: Threat Level Red – The Imminent Attack of Alien Terrorists from Hell. So Vote Right, Or You Won’t Live to See Tomorrow.

Well, it’s flexible. Call me; we’ll talk.

I could say more, but I would probably need a whole book. Speaking of which: I hear you plan on writing one! Please do. We’re all dying to know what’s been going through your head for almost a decade. Just try to keep the illustrations down to a minimum.

Thank you. And God Bless.

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